Glee made me cry tonight.

oh my goodness did it ever!  first of all, if you watch it, and haven't seen it yet, and don't want to know what happens, skip down to after the ***'s okay?  okay, now, everyone who stayed... april warned me that it was going to be sad, and she said she didn't want me to watch it, but i'm glad i did.  i'm glad she warned me, too, or idk if i could have watched the whole thing tonight.  seeing kurt's dad fall, and then in the hospital bed, and watching it all play out w/ everyone not knowing if he was going to make it or not... and especially because it's october... i can still see daddy in that hospital bed.  i remember mom calling me and asking me to pick up an Rx for him on my way home.  and then calling to tell me i didn't need to because they had to take him to the hospital because he couldn't stand up by himself.  i remember not knowing what was going on & if i should go to the hospital or not, because mom had said she'd call me if he was going to have to stay there.  i remember getting a text from jen & then talking to her on the phone & her telling me i should come to the hospital.  i remember waiting in that room all by myself for 1/2 an hour, playing on my phone & wondering when they were going to bring him up to the room - they'd said only a couple minutes.  and the chair was uncomfortable, and i was wearing the same outfit i had on today.  and when they wheeled him in, there was a male nurse dressed like a pirate who wanted to weigh him and mom fought him off because he was unconscious and she i think had a 6th sense about what was going to happen and she didn't want to WASTE any time and then everyone was in the room and daddy wasn't awake and i thought, "well, he'll wake up soon."  but the doctor came in & said he wasn't going to, that he'd been down too long, and then we...


and then we were all around him, mom was praying and telling him it was okay if he had to go be w/ our Father now.  and i was thinking "no no no this isn't happening."  and i was outside of myself and couldn't CRY and coudn't ... i wish i would have held his hand one last time.  if i regret anything, that would be it.  i don't regret anything i said to him or didn't say - he knew (knows) i love him, how much so, so much.  i just want more.  


i'm doing better about october, mostly, except on days like today or things like this.  i actually smiled at halloween decorations the other day!  : ) i contemplated being at work for the halloween celebration, but have decided to take that day off as planned.  


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okay, so heavy, right?!  i miss him a lot, and sometimes i feel like ppl push my feelings under the rug, like i should just be OVER it already, but i'm not, and idk when or if i will be, and i have no patience for those who don't see that.  (harsh, sorry.)  


*deep breath*  *smoke break to regroup*  btw, i'm trying to reduce my smoking... i'm not ready to quit, i really don't want to quit.  but i realized that i had gone from a pack a week to 2 1/2 in the past year or so, and i'd rather not push it up any farther.  further?  so, my goal is 2 packs a week, and maybe 1 1/2 a week.  


i had a monster headache all day today.  :(  well, most of the day.  it started to dissipate sometime after lunch, thank God.  i think it was about 3.  and it's still nto really completely gone.  it's just kinda ... there.  not really painful, but not gone.  ANNOYING.  oh, but we did get ice cream sundaes from our management team for customer service week today.  that was sweet.  (heehee, see what i did there?  *laugh*)  oh, and thanks to yesterday & monday's OT, i got done w/ all my deadline stuff ON TIME tonight & left a little after 5.  but i was done at 5, w/ the normal stuff.  i stayed a little later to work on stuff for Secret Santa.  : )  i really am excited about Christmas!!  


tonight's viewing aside from glee - hubby & NCIS LA, and possibly GH, but i'm kinda really tired, and i have a special issue of People to look at, so i might head off early.  lots of blogs to read, might have to wait til tomorrow.  but i do so love leaving comments... well, we'll see.  


goodnight & TTFN!  : )