panic

not the good kind, like panic at the disco.


ugh.  it's been SO long since i've had a true panic attack that i haven't been able to push thru.  i've had some random blips in the past few months, but nothing like THIS.  if i didn't know what it was, i would think something is really wrong w/ me.  :(  


the uneasiness started last night, but i pushed it out of my mind to have fun w/ leyton when we went to gramma's.  she rented day of the diesels & we watched that while dancing & playing pirate.  

 oh yeah, and the one lonely egg he was able to paint before everything broke... at least it's cute!

cute, right??  


when we got home, he went to bed pretty much right away - he was tired!!  heh.  i read for awhile, but was falling asleep w/ the book, so i headed to bed myself.  


as soon as i woke up this morning, the uneasiness was back.  leyton slept in (growth spurt?!  he was eating really well & sleeping a bunch, so that's what i'm thinking!) til 7:30!!  heh.  we got up & had breakfast, watched more thomas, played w/ his rescue set, had a bath, washed hair, and got dressed.  all the while i'm distracting myself, trying not to look at the clock.  we played w/ a bouncy ball & except for when it hit him in the chin, it was lots of fun!  

please don't mind my messy kitchen - i am SO in need of cleaning off that island!!  


i was still trying to work thru the panic when mom came & picked leyton up for church.  i cleaned the guest bathroom to try & get the "nervous energy" to let up.  no luck.  i finally decided i wouldn't go.  i was so looking forward to looking at the giant combine made of cans & telling leyton, "i helped make that."  !!!  but every time i think of going, my stomach knots, my breathing gets shallow, i feel like i'm shaking... 


and so then i think, "okay, i just won't go."  but the feelings aren't dissipating quickly.  because along with the decision to not go, comes the disappointment, and the worry over what will i tell ppl.  i hate just not showing up, but i can't get into my work email to even send a note (i will on monday, but i would have rather been able to send one earlier).  so then all of that swirls thru my mind... along with having to tell mom and leyton.  


i really should have made someone go w/ me to this thing, but i wasn't expecting ... i mean, i've been so GOOD!  :(  i've been out shopping and have even sat in restaurants waiting for ppl recently.  those are both things that used to be potentially ... inducing.  i guess i got cocky?  i thought i was like totally cured, since i hadn't had one in so long.  but the thought of going to this thing where i potentially won't know anyone... and i know once i got there & started doing this great thing that everyone would be so excited about, i know i would have fun.  and yet even as i type that sentence, my stomach is in knots.  just now, right this minute, i looked at the clock & thought - i still have time, i could make it there.  and ... knots.  


*sigh*


i don't understand why there are some things i am able to work thru & some things i'm not.  there doesn't seem to be a common denominator?  


oye.  


anyway.  enjoy the leyton.  i do!  focus on the positive, just keep swimming, swimming swimming... 


ttfn.