"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend."

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Day 15 – Your dreams

hmmm.  does this mean my dreams for my future and the futures of my loved ones, or the dreams i have at night?  i guess i'll just do both!  

so, today i was diagnosed w/ the Big D.  (and i don't mean dallas!)  *sigh*  popped up out of nowhere as far as my bloodwork - i've always had LOW blood sugar.  but of course i'm high risk... and i guess that caught up to me.  i was totally shocked, tho, by it.  i really thought that the first one was caused by my not fasting!  : (  i'm still in shock, still working out what it means, still trying to figure out how i'm going to afford all the extra doctor's appointments & things!  :(   of course, not going to the doctor would cost more, and i definitely want to take care of myself...

but i am totally not impressed w/ my doctor & the way she, and the nurse who showed me all the lovely blood sugar meter stuff, treated me today.  i mean, this is essentially a bomb of a diagnosis, and maybe they make them every day but I DON'T get it every day (thank God) and ... i left w/ a lot of info but feeling very confused, anxious, annoyed, scared... *sigh*  i'd missed lunch, and i was starving, but thinking - what can i eat now?  having a diagnosis makes it all ... idk.  real?  like, certain symptoms could be ignored or attributed to something else, and treated differently.  incorrectly?  idk, they worked... but now i worry about it.  

anyway, now i get the joys of the daily finger prick.  medications.  figuring out how to balance complex carbs, sugars, and proteins.  i've been trying to pay more attention to labels & sugars & sodium & things because of the high BP, but i've never really paid attention to how it all works together... and now i have to, and i am just really confused as to how to balance everything out.  

*sigh*  i'm not trying to complain - i'm very grateful for all my many blessings!  but... this is not one of them.  this sucks.  and i want it not to suck.  remember how i said my favorite babysitter's club character was claudia??  maybe i should have been paying more attention to stacey!  argh.  

so, along with all of THAT - my dream is to be healthy, to live a good long life, to see leyton & anthony & kaitlyn & charlie & evan & stephen & chase & sarah & andrew & jacob & adam & kathryn & william & arianna(?) grow up & be able to be with them as they do!!!  my dream for them is to live healthy, happy lives, knowing & loving the Lord, and knowing they are loved by Him and their families!!

my sleeping dreams are always interesting.  my favorite ones are when daddy visits me.  : )  but i often have long story-type dreams.  sometimes they continue after i wake up & go back to sleep.  it hasn't happened lately (knock on wood), but throughout my life i have quite often dreamt of bathrooms.  usually when i myself have to go (like the Room of Requirement!  pops up when "needed!").  but it's like i'm trapped in my bladder or something.  not literally - like, the dream will always start out semi-normal, i usually know it's a dream, but i'm in a bathroom talking to someone or exploring or whatever.  sometimes it's one of the old bathrooms from my childhood church or elementary school.  sometimes it's a huge locker-room type bathroom w/ showers & the like.  there are always normal stalls in the beginning.  but then, inevitably, portions of the stalls or walls disappear.  and i'm always like, ohhhh... i have to wake up now.  my other recurring location is my old elementary school/sunday school building hallways.  there was a stretch of time when every week i was dreaming about it!  never the same dream, just the same setting, only decorated differently.  

and there you have that.  i was supposed to meet trish & megan for lunch after my dr. appt, but that didn't happen.  the appt was for 10:40 & i didn't get out of there until after noon.  !!!!  then i was in such shock that i just drove around to try & clear my head & be able to go back to work & be at least somewhat productive.  i ended up at arthur's for lunch, a liverwurst sandwich because it's high in iron.  also probably high in fat and it was a sandwich so there was a bun, but idk what to eat!  anyway, it was good!  

when i got back to the office, i was still in a daze for awhile.  i got to talk to dave & he helped me out & was way more informative than the dr or nurse had been.  i'm grateful for that & that he took the time to talk w/ me about it!  i'm still way confused about what I need to do for ME specifically, but i have a better handle on the generalities thanks to him.  i'd come in early, planning to stay til 5:30 or so, but then 4:30 hit & i couldn't concentrate on anything but getting home & reading all the material i'd been given, so i left.  

came home & had a message about classes i'm supposed to take at the hospital??  idk what that's about but there are FOUR sessions & of course they happen right in the middle of the day.  so, great, now i have the stress of being super busy at work & already dealing w/ OT (tho thankfully so far not as much as some areas have had to put in!) & now i am going to have to miss 4 1/2 days for these classes? (four "half-days" not four and a half days, just to clarify...)  and i keep flashing back to being ... however old i was, 12 maybe?, when i had to go to weight watchers meetings at the hospital and it scared me away from WW for life!  AAARRRRGGGHHHHH... oh, and i also had a message from the financial dept of the doctor's office, because i still owe them $25 from the last visit & i couldn't pay them up front for this visit (hello, you have to put it thru my insurance anyway so i can get the discount, duh!).  did i mention that stress isn't good for the BP or the BS???

at least i got to chat w/ april & watch BB (oh so happy w/ the winner of america's choice prize, but not w/ the overall winner.  he did great, but i think the other guy did better!).  watched last night's AGT & had johnna tell me who won tonight (HAPPY!).  : )  got to chat w/ joyums.  : )  

now i really want to sleep.  i'd like to just sleep tomorrow away, but it's leyton day, so i don't really want to miss out on that!!  i do need to figure out if i'm going to tell mom this news tomorrow or wait until next week after i've gone to my first class & have some sort of handle (i hope) on this whole crazy situation... anyway, i hope your day was better.  take care & keep me in prayer if you think of it... thank you!  ttfn... 


  1. Carrie I wish I had been there with you that day at the doctor's office. I was so sad to read how they treated you. I hate that you left there still very confused and scared. I hope the info they gave you has helped answer some of your questions. A friend of mine was just diagonosed with the big "D" and it has been a learning process for sure. I just want you to know I am here for you if you ever need to vent or just talk :) about anything and everything (not just this)It was interesting reading about your dreams. I have some crazy dreams sometimes! One of the most common dreams I have is about being back in school. I'm in high school and I either wasn't prepared for a test, forgot my homework, or can't find my next class. Dreams are so funny!

  2. *HUGS* thank you! i have classes i need to do (starting tuesday) and hopefully i'll understand more after those. i hope and think that both your friend and i will be able to handle everything...!

    and isn't it nice to wake up from the dreams where we're unprepared & realize - we don't have to be prepared for that next class?! LOL : )