"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend."

Thursday, 18 October 2012

a mish mash of things

the past couple days have been sad days.  happy things have been happening, but i've just been sad.  i know this is a sad time of year for me, and that i just have to allow myself to BE sad, but i was trying hard to be happy today.  it was a struggle.

until i switched my music over to my metallica station, and had a couple cups of coffee.  i literally felt my mood improve as i listed to metallica, godsmack, tool, disturbed, linkin park, and the ppl who sing chalk outline.  i may have mentioned previously that's one of my new favorite songs... : )  
anyway, they drew me out of my sad.  not all the way out, but enough that i didn't feel like crying every three minutes, so i call that a win!

happy things to share
lunch yesterday w/ kris
(crab ragoon & mongolian beef, yumm!)
impromptu meeting yesterday in which i got to see mr crushtastic.
(confession: while seeing him made me happy, being hyper-aware that he was in my direct line of sight, meaning I WAS IN HIS DIRECT LINE OF SIGHT, was kind of nerve-wracking, as i tried not to stare but at the same time see him.  oh my heck.)  
finishing The Renegade Hunter & then reading the end of Born To Bite & then starting Hungry For You.
: ) 
lunch today w/ amy
(gyro!!  hadn't had a gyro in so long & it hit the spot!)
getting to chat w/ my friend & former wall-mate & setting up lunch for tomorrow
turning an irate employee into a friendly, sweet & complimentary employee
dinner w/ michelle
(was going to be symposium, where i'd never been, but we went to biaggi's instead & ohhhh the spinach cannelloni!  *drool*  YUM!)

see?  that is one heck of a list of happy things!  

a friend of mine asked me today if i wasn't worried about mr crushtastic reading the blog or "finding out" about my crush from one of the ppl in our area.  our area has a bit of a reputation for ... gossip?  not keeping secrets?  idk.  i had a moment of "OMH WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE COULD FIND OUT?!" and then i realized something, and told her truthfully something that sort of shocked me: 

i don't care if he knows.
not for myself, anyway.  i have no secrets.  
(well, okay, i mean i have SECRETS.  i have things that i don't share w/ anyone, but that is what makes them secrets.  the minute i share something w/ someone, there is the possibility of it "getting out" exists.  which is why i only share things that i want to share.  if i say something about someone, it is something i either have shared w/ them or would share with them if asked.  i try not to participate in gossip, and if i don't know something 100%, i will tell you that i don't know.  i will say i think something to be the case, but there's a possibility i could be wrong.  and i'm never mean-spirited.  ppl or situations or things make me upset/angry/frustrated/annoyed/etc., but that's normal.  no one is going to like EVERYTHING/ONE all the time!  but if i express frustration about something/one, i would express it to them if asked.  i might express it to them in a more polite way than i am doing w/ the friend i'm venting to, but the truth behind it will stay the same whether i'm talking to person A or person B.)

erm, that was a long explanation about secrets... and it may have veered on a tangent or twelve, sorry.

my point, tho, is that mr c is shy, or at least that's my impression of him from the all-too-brief conversations we've had.  and the only reason i would be upset about him knowing that he's my crush is if it embarrassed him.  i fully understand and expect not to be on his radar.  i think he's an uber-polite guy who is friendly in his shyness, and that he talks to me out of politeness, not out of any sense that he shares my crush.  it would be great, fantastic, fabulous & a whole lot of other positive words if he did, of course!

but i'm well aware of my ... 

i can't think of any way to put it that doesn't sound negative toward myself or like i'm begging for reassurance.  i'm not.  i know i'm awesome - God made me!  i know i'm loved and blessed.  i have proof of these things.  : )  however, life has been a series of proofs of my lack of awesomeness in certain areas, and so i have come to accept that, even if i don't like it.  and that acceptance has (obviously) in no way, shape or form affected my ability to have wholly consuming and non-reciprocated crushes.  *laugh*  


so, there you have it, friends, family, random interwebs ppl who deign to read this silly little blog of mine.
mr crushtastic, i'll repeat what i posted earlier on fb: 
should you come across this blog, or in some other way discover that you are my mr crushtastic, and i am totally not your ms crushtastic, i hope you'll be flattered and not horrified.  i hope you'll appreciate and understand the fact that you are just incredibly adorable and nice, and i couldn't resist your crushtastic-ness.

: )  

and really, don't mind when i turn bright red.  it's not because i'm embarrassed that you know, or that i am crushing... it's just that i'm a horribly shy person using flamboyant social butterfly-ism to mask the panic & shyness.  sometimes it works, and sometimes i turn bright red.  

(and i've been at this for awhile now because my computer kept being a brat, but has been kind the past few minutes & allowed me to post.  i'm heading back to my book before bed.  i hope your day has been wonderful, dear reader!)


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