my letter

i wrote this letter to bret tonight.  i'm sharing it here because ... just because.  i'm upset, and the more he ignores me the more hurt i get. 


so, hi. i don't know why you've decided to ignore me. did Jesus tell you to do that? did He tell you to move out w/o telling me, even tho i opened my home to you when you needed somewhere to stay - for a month, which turned into 1/2 a year? did He tell you to ignore me, even tho i rearranged my entire schedule to get you to work in the mornings while your car was not drivable, and let you borrow my car any time you wanted to go to church or a friend's or wherever? did He tell you to ignore me even tho i rearranged my entire christmas vacation so that you could go to KC?

i did these things because you are family and i love you. do i mean so little to you? do you think this is what the Lord has planned for you?

did you decide to stay at nick's and not tell me because you thought i would disapprove? because you think you're doing something wrong? i can tell you - i think you're doing something wrong, but the only reason i think so is because of how you are treating me. if you would have talked to me, let me know that you wanted to move in w/ nick immediately, we could have worked something out. it's not like it would have been a big deal, and you could have made sure you had everything you needed.

this whole thing could have been a positive. i don't understand why you are insisting on turning it into a negative. :( i especially don't understand why you keep posing things about the Lord right after i send you notes asking you to talk to me about what's going on. the only thing i can think is that you think the Lord is telling you to treat me disrespectfully, and i know He is not telling you that.

so. that's all i wanted to say. if you think by ignoring me i'll go away, i'm sorry but that's not going to work. eventually you're going to need to talk to me - or, i guess that's not right. you could make the decision not to talk to me. i think that would be really sad, tho.

oh! and also - i really think you should talk to me before applying at (company x). it would be an awesome opportunity for you, but you need to make sure you're ready for the commitment of (company x).

okay, i hope you're doing well. and that you'll talk to me soon.




 i'm doing a lot of second guessing now that i sent it, because what if i'm irritating him?  as soon as i think that, tho, i think WTH?  if he's irritated it's out of guilt, because he should NOT have done what he did, and he should NOT have ignored my first texts & fb message to him.  at that point, i wasn't upset at all - just curious as to if he'd moved out.  once he ignored me, and i knew it wasn't because something was wrong w/ his phone, that's when i got upset.  it was like a light switch was flipped, and i realized "oh, he's ignoring me."  it hadn't occurred to me that he would before then.  i mean, why??  


then flashbacks of the holly situation ... i thought things were fine & meanwhile she's trying to OD in her bedroom & hates me so much that she screams horrible things at me after i have tried to help her. i mean, she obviously had a side to the story, and obviously i must've done something wrong while opening my home to her.  but since bret would constantly tell me i was the best roommate he'd had, i guess that's where i thought things were okay?  i guess if you lie to ppl you shouldn't be surprised when they believe you?  so... was he lying?  did he hate living here as much as holly did?  am i a horrible person for trying to help ppl when they need somewhere to live, opening my home to them for free?  in holly's case, we never talked about an amount she would pay me, but in bret's he is the one who insisted on giving me money "every week."  it wasn't every week, it wasn't the amount HE said he wanted to pay me.  but i didn't harp on him about it.  


*sigh*  


ah well, live & learn.  of course, what i'm learning is that apparently God doesn't want me to help ppl anymore.  :|


so - how was YOUR day?  : )  


other than this situation & being at work til 6, it was a pretty good monday here.  altho the movie times didn't work out for me & mom to see Atlas Shrugged.  i came home & made a tunafish & egg sammich.  


and soon there will be bed.  ahhhh... my pillow & comforter sound very ... comforting right now.  


ttfn!
(happy things - postcards in the mail from finland and micaela - she made hers!  awesome!)