fear & depression

it's been a really rough year for me, especially the past couple months.  even with all the things that have been making me happy (yanni, spending time w/ mom & leyton & anthony, planning road trips this summer...), i have been really struggling with a sense of fear, and depression, and it is not being helped at all by this back/stomach/hip pain that came about sometime last month.  it started as normal back pain that i get from processing a buttload of claims in one day.  my muscles seize up & whatnot, but the pain goes away after a couple days.  this time, it's not going away, and it's turned into something not normal for me.  most of the time it's not really a pain, per se, more of an uncomfortable feeling.  at times it's a ravenous hunger, at other times it's a gassy pressure - but i'm not gassy.  and then it goes away for a day or two, and i am so relieved.  only to have the same ache/uncomfortable feeling return at some point.  


i have been praying, praying, praying for healing.  i just want to feel WELL again.  i have been walking more (well, i had been, now all i want to do is be a lump & not move), i have been watching what i eat... i have been testing my BS and it hasn't been high or low, just normal for whatever time of day i'm testing.  this is a good thing!  


but what is going on?  then i was talking to april, and she mentioned that it could be my kidneys.  and i'd been scared about that before she said anything, because that's one of the things diabetes attacks, i guess, is kidneys.  i'm trying to do everything right w/ this diabetes diagnosis!  


and yet... i am scared.  i'm scared to tell my doctor what's going on (i have an appointment next friday).  i'm scared to try & explain the pain in a way that she'll understand & not just try to shuffle me off to some random, invasive tests.  i'm scared that i'll have too much of a panic attack to do something/some test that she'll want to do, and then she'll throw her hands up & not be my doctor anymore.  even tho i don't know that i trust her as my doctor, and i want to find a new one, but the thought of finding a new one gives me a panic attack, too.


and then i wonder if my stomach problem is stress related, because it started at the end of march, which was the 2010 deadline, after working so much OT & doing payroll, etc., etc...  and i was feeling so much better this week, but then today i did't know what was going on w/ my car & stuff at work was getting really stressy (on me, and on my friends)... 


and then april had this horrendous headache that wouldn't go away & no one knew what was causing it.  and marissa & toni both had similar headaches during the same time frame.  little lauren is fighting fevers every other day, and i'm sure it's stressful for her family, and i just keep PRAYING and PRAYING for healing.  i have been claiming that Scripture for years.


i prayed here, YOU prayed with me!  the Word says: 

 ¹⁹ “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. ²⁰ For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Matthew 18:19

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry 

   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— 

when you see the naked, to clothe them, 

   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? 

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn, 

   and your healing will quickly appear; 

then your righteousness^[a] will go before you, 

   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. 

⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; 

   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Isaiah 58: 7-9

Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.

Matthew 8:13

 ²⁰ Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. ²¹ She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”

 ²² Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

Matthew 9:20-22

i have been claiming that Scripture for years.  "Your faith has healed you."  I HAVE FAITH!  HEAL ME!!!!  


i feel ... not angry, just very, VERY confused.  i know He can, i know He has, i have seen healing, i have BEEN healed of many a malady.  why does it seem that lately no one is being healed??  what is the message?  what do we need to do???


and all the panic attacks that i am trying to tramp down ... 


and i don't want this pain to be anything serious.  i don't want to spend my life in a hospital or be working only to spend all my money for doctors to "heal" me.  doctors can't heal me!  i mean, doctors can heal, but they are only instruments.  instruments of the Lord - but HE is the Healer, and so, if my faith is there, and the prayers are there, and the gathering of two or three of His ppl praying together is there... WHERE IS MY HEALING???


these thoughts keep swirling around & around - i don't want to die.  i mean, not now.  i don't want to leave leyton & anthony & phil & mom & ... i know that when i die, it's eternity w/ the Lord.  i know and yet eternity scares me.  i can't fathom eternity.  and it scares me to think of eternity away from the Lord.  it scares me to think of Phil not loving Him.  it scares me to think - what if i don't love Him enough?  

³¹ They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”

Acts 16:31

if His Word is true, if this Scripture is true... then the other Scriptures are true, and again i ask, where is my healing?  


and then all this stress at work, all the changes & the fact that a job i once really, truly loved is now causing me panic attacks.  well, not the job... i still love the job!  lol  but seeing what changes are happening naturally makes me a little skittish about - what changes are in store for me, and will they be good?  


*sigh*  


and then i am lately just really fed up w/ living in a cluttered mess.  i want to get things organized, but by the time i get home i'm just so exhausted.  and that's only part of it.  the bigger part is that i just don't know where to start.  it feels too big.  


anyway.  


that's where i am at today.


please continue to join me in prayer for healing.  for me, for lauren, for japan (cuz the media's focusing on the wrong things), for tennessee schools, for Wisconsin, for our military and government families who may be w/o pay soon... 


there's so much going on, and i believe, prayer is just about the only thing we can do.


ttfn.