idk

idk wth is going on lately.  i don't understand what i've done wrong, or how i've done it wrong, and so i don't understand how to "fix" it, or if i can fix it, because while i understand what ppl think is the problem, i don't understand how to - in one instance convince them that they have the problem all wrong and in another instance unhurt someone's feelings.  how do you unhurt someone's feelings when you didn't know you'd hurt them in the first place until it'd snowballed too much?  


*sigh*  and just because there are a few situations going on in my life right now that are so similar - i'm not directing this at anyone in particular.  i'm just writing, and i'm just publishing because that's what i do.  it's how i let other ppl know what i'm feeling and work through things and get perspectives on things that maybe i haven't thought of.  


so.  now that that's out there.  


today kinda sucked again.  well, not in the beginning.  i got up on time, i had a beautiful night's sleep, and while driving bret to work, God gave me this:

gorgeous, no?  our Heavenly Father is the most amazing Artist, and even tho i don't understand what the heck He was thinking when he created me - my family is seriously filled with BEAUTIFUL ppl.  i'm not being down on myself, i'm really not.  but i'm not BEAUTIFUL in the same way they are.  i'm not jealous of them, and i'm not saying this to have anyone say, "oh, carrie, you're beautiful in your own way."  i know i am.  i just sometimes wonder why my family's genes worked out in me the way they did and worked out in phil the same way but ... better.  it's something i think about.  it's something i think about especially during the holidays, for whatever reason.  i'm confident in myself (now) and all that yadda yadda whatever.  


i don't know, i feel like i explain myself a lot, because i'm trying not to be misunderstood, and unfortunately ppl sometimes take that as insecurity.  i AM insecure about some things.  i DO have random panic attacks about ... well, they're random so really i never know what about.  i thought crowds, but that's too simplistic, as most days i'll go stand in a crowd w/ no worries.  and so altho i know sometimes the thought of too many ppl will keep me away, i continue to make plans or tentative plans involving groups of ppl (friday's christmas party is an example - i WANT to go... i am PLANNING to go... we'll see what happens on friday).  


or, ppl misunderstand when i'm trying to be clear.  idk how to fix that, either.  if you don't believe me, i can't do anything to change that since i'm telling the truth.  or telling you how i feel.  or asking you to explain to me because i don't understand.  sometimes i feel like ppl get frustrated w/ me for not understanding things right away.  i am smart, i am fairly quick ... but i'm also a bit of a ditz.  i don't mean to be, obviously.  i can't seem to help it.  i am uber-honest w/ my emotions and feelings, and i expect the same of other ppl.  i don't hide when i'm happy, and when i'm happy i tend to be UBER happy.  like off the charts happy.  and when i'm sad, or upset, well i don't hide that very well, either.  i try not to let my sadness affect other ppl, tho... to no avail sometimes.  


do i care too much about everything?  yes, probably.  do i care that i care to much?  absolutely not.  i just wish... i wish... i wish i could be more clear when i'm trying to be clear.  i wish ppl could hear me, could understand me, when i am trying to communicate w/ them.  i had 2 meetings yesterday, back to back, and in the first one i got some news that was a little bomb-shelly to me.  so, unfortunately, in the second meeting i was still reacting, still processing, and at the same time trying to concentrate on the point of the second meeting.  someone in the second meeting, i felt, wasn't really hearing what i was saying, but was putting their own interpretation on it & reacting to that interpretation.  which only served to frustrate me more, because i wasn't feeling HEARD and then also felt like i had to fix that miscommunication.  to little or no avail, again.  


then today was just busy & rough at work, and i was there til 6, only leaving because my wall-mate was leaving & i didn't want to be there alone.  and then... 


something similar happened in my non-work life, and so i'm trying to figure out where the disconnect is.  i'm obviously not communicating effectively somehow - but since i am trying to share EVERYTHING openly, honestly, clearly... and failing... idk how!!  


do you like my round & round today?  i was shaking so badly a little bit ago, i seriously had to take a step back, go outside & shiver from the cold instead.  i still have the inside jelly-quaky feeling, actually, because it's like shock, and idk how to fix that.  


fix it.  sense a theme?  i want to FIX it.  and idk how.  or if i can.  or if it even needs fixing or is just in my head?  maybe some chocolate... 


*sigh*  


i know all of this seems kinda down.  in the interest of open communication - i don't mean it to!  i'm upset, frustrated, etc., but not AT ppl.  mostly at situations.  and unfortunately there are a few situations happening at the same time!  but i'm holding on to this verse: 

Romans 8:28 | And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

and i hope you will, too.  *HUGS* to all my bloggy buddies!  i'm about to go to bed.  just need to wait for the delicious q'doba to finish digesting!  and also the brownie i'm about to eat.  because it's chocolate.  : )  ttfn!