yin and yang. blessing and curse. we all need balance in our lives, and we want the good to outweigh the bad. lately i feel like my balance has been out of whack.
writing has always been a blessing for me. when i was little, it was stories and journals. putting pen to page saved my sanity many times, and at least twice it saved my life. i truly believe that if i hadn't had the outlet of writing, i would have made some very bad (and possibly life-threatening) decisions in high school and college. and actually once out of college, that i can think of... writing helped me when mom & i would fight, when the kids would get on my nerves, when i would learn of certain... activities... going on around me, when i felt trapped. and of course i would write when i was so happy i wanted to burst!
i don't normally wonder "what if?" (tho i did used to play that game!!) because you can't change the past. but i do, sometimes, go back to an event from childhood and wonder, "what if i'd been able to write about it? would it have changed anything?" maybe, maybe not, but which way would it have changed things?
lately, i feel like my writing has turned toward being a curse. : ( by doing what i've always done, using my writing as therapy, sharing my feelings with others, i've inadvertantly hurt feelings. i'm truly sorry about that. i don't know what i can do so it doesn't happen again, but i hope it doesn't!
i'm very empathetic. usually. i am truly HAPPY for my friends (or, really, total strangers sometimes) when they accomplish something big or small that makes them happy. conversely, i get angry on their behalf, or sad, etc. when i am my normal self, being sad or angry on behalf of someone else runs its course in a fairly quick manner, and i'm able to figure out what to say/do to make them happy again. or at least be a sympathetic ear/eye. apparently that mojo is slipping, too, because lately i've been ... not very sympathetic. or, rather, not communicating my sympathies well, i think.
writing is how i communicate mostly - IM, email, letters, texts - and if i am no longer able to communicate effectively through writing...what does that mean for me? what does that mean for my relationships with other ppl? what am i doing to those other ppl that i don't want to be doing???
we are all the stars of our own stories, but i don't want to my star to outshine someone else's. i want my story to merge with those of my friends and family, to compliment them, to be what they need me to be - and still retain what I need me to be, you know?
i need to find a way to get that balance back.
for now, i need to go to sleep. if you have any balancing ideas, please please please let me know!
ttfn.
Believe me, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. It's really hard to figure out where your own story ends and someone else's begins and to work out the boundary between the two. Sometimes I feel like I should be able to write whatever I want to because it's MY story...but then I realize that's not very fair. But it's hard for us writers--we really just need to write and sometimes that bumps up against other people's interests. If you ever find that balance, let me know.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Challis. You put that so perfectly!! And I will certainly be shouting it from the rooftops when I figure out the balance thing. If. When. Whichever! ; )
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